Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
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“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors