I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
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IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I’m sure it’s fine.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it