my retirement plan is braless
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Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad