My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
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If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show