ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
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“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there