On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
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Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Is this a threat?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.