Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
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Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!