Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
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I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.