We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
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Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
What the hell happened in there??
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Saturday
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort