The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
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Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*