[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
You Might Also Like
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
they really do be looking like this
Just a reminder, folks:
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.