The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
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People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great