Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
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How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe