Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
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Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
That’s no pocket rocket.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”