Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
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Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Herpes is trending, good job people
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.