If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
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I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
How your email finds me
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away