detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
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Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.