A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
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Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that