Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
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I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
The Onion called it…again.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
The human personality is made of five key elements
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.