My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
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british sex workers really pound for pound
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.