Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
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ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
me after drinking all the wine:
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Bring back the McRib