me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
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*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah