hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
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What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”