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I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I put the hot in psychotic.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.