This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
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In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
notice
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life