I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
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“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I came this close!!!!
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat