Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
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My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you