#milo
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Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
this is uni
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.