Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
You Might Also Like
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
an airline just for babies.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.