If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
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If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane