Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
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I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people