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in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Me as a therapist: omg same
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
When can I start eating bats again.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.