When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
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Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
next question.