i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
You Might Also Like
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
secret recipe
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert