– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
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Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Me in tagged photos
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack