If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
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This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Every haunted house movie:
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
tourist season