When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
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It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.