I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
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I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.