A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
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I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Very good news from my accountant
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
The photographer’s assistant
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Good morning, Twitter x
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat