My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
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[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner