“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
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[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?