ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
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Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
every. time.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers