The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
You Might Also Like
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
pictures of spider-man
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Phonetics
grotesque if literal: baby food
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways