You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Not all heroes wear capes….
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor