*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
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If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Nice try Hitler
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell