Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
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[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.