How many vultures circling you is good luck?
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Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.