Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
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This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all