[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
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Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.