Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
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Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I am patiently waiting for your email
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has